Why people pleasing habits don’t pay off and what you can do about it
Recently I had a phone call from a former corporate client, who was asking me if I could help her out with internal assessments for a number of managers: “We need your expertise. Please don’t let me down…”. Instantly, I said yes. My key words were “your expertise” (oh yes, my internal “expert” was very pleased), and “don’t let me down” (to say “no” would mean to let them down…I don’t let clients down…).
After the call I was in trouble. Why on earth had I said “yes”?! Actually I am not into corporate recruitment anymore and I am badly overstretched already. Taking on this job would mean travelling and less time for my new business and my family…and about 100 more reasons came to my mind why I shouldn’t have said “yes”….. .
What about you?
What are your people pleasing habits?
Do you
- often say “yes” when you actually want to say “no”,
- tend to “catch” every “ball” people throw at you?
- tend to overpay your freelancers / contractors / employees and undercharge your clients – and blame yourself for it?
- feel out of your depth and try to win your team over with lots of concessions?
- tend to fall into the other extreme when you are under pressure and become aggressive because you think people “should see” how nice and helpful you are?
Did I hear you say “yes”?! Congratulations, you are a self-confessed people pleaser! – The most important first step to get rid of harmful habits is to be aware of them. A very warm welcome. You are in good company – with me (recovered but there are still little “traps” everywhere!) and so many others. We all know so well that we are often too nice. But if we all know the problem, why is it so hard to change?
Why is it so hard to change?
Because there are so many benefits of being too nice: We get a lot of rewards for being nice (people always love doormats…), we WANT to be nice and helpful. We fear becoming a different person with different values if we change. And we want to work in harmony with everybody.
Rotten, unhelpful beliefs about running a business, working with a team and about ourselves as a person hold us back, too.
For example:
- “I should always be better than others because I own this business and have to be a role model”?
- If I am not nice I will lose all my clients.
- If I charge too much, I will ruin my business, end up being homeless, nobody will love me anymore, I am going to die tomorrow, smile…
What kind of unhelpful beliefs can get in your way?
Why we should change: the hidden cost of pleasing habits
Have you ever asked yourself what it would be like to be nice and helpful without being addicted to pleasing others? Have you ever thought about the price you pay every single day for it? Well, if not, I want to invite you to do so now. Why? Because that is the first step to getting rid of a harmful, self-sabotaging habit. We will only change if the price we pay for adhering to a habit becomes higher than any benefits we may gain. Make a list of your hidden costs:
- Are you overloaded with work others could do just as well, with no time left to do the things you really want to do?
- Are you loosing your humour and your creativity, because you are driven all the time to meet other’s needs, blaming yourself for not being “good” enough”, “fast” enough, “perfect” enough?
- Are you loosing your identity and authenticity more and more, because you are wearing “masks” and playing “roles” to please others?
- …what else? Please continue with the list…
To put it in a nutshell: We end up in a vicious, people pleasing circle that ruins our health, draining all energy and taking away all joy…and we don’t even get what we desperately want: to feel safe and to be loved and acknowledged by everybody, because it is impossible that everybody will love us.
What we can do about it
I don’t know how you feel about your list, I always find mine quite overwhelming. But there is good news: We can change if we want to.
I have a dream… just imagine how it would be:
still to be nice and helpful – AND
- in full control over your life,
- to be genuine, to be “totally” yourself as a person, business owner and boss – connected with your mind, body, emotions and your intuition,
- to feel safe, confident and independent,
- to be full of joy, creativity and energy….
Wouldn’t it be fantastic? Create your own personal dream or vision of being nice without being addicted to pleasing others!
But – and here comes the “small print”: Unlearning unhelpful habits takes time – we have to be patient. We can’t “unlearn” habits we have practised since our childhood in just days or months. So I am talking about a journey.
I would love to share with you all my ideas, tools and strategies for making this journey easier and more fun for you, just as I have done for many other business owners and leaders in the past.
You can even start your journey straight away, because I am already giving you 3 of the 9 ways just below:
- Make a “collection” of your pleasing habits and the reasons for them. List the cost of your “addiction”.
- Create your personal dream or vision of being nice without being addicted to pleasing others.
- Use the “Salami Strategy” – a strategy of many small steps. Change only one small habit at a time. Once the change has been established successfully over 10 weeks, start with the next small step. Create an exciting journey towards more control over your life, more authenticity, energy and fun.
Start NOW!
By the way: I didn’t help out my former corporate client… better say “no” late than never…
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© Lead & Connect, Jutta Nedden 2012